really bad jokes. got a stinker ? put it here!

[katz]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Hehehehehe!

[katz]

Robin Williams and Viagrai ;D ;D :Phttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJrN2OLD9Uo

[katz]

If you can get it to load watch him he is the funnist man. Ron White
vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=679987338

[katz]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
" What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
' T his is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and
ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
T he mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD,
and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

[katz]

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please
see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get
all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who dont take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors took
S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they dont have to do S.H.I.T anymore,
and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be
interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage
M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)


P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to a few people who need S.H.I.T in their life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had
their fill of S.H.I.T Thank you for your time.


Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.(The
D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)."


this is just kinda sad anit it?
Two Scotsmen were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its
final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for
flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper,
watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well, " says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the
hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and
dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to
the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips
over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The ! old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta
take a shit first

A couple were at a golfing resort for their vacation. They were playing a golf when the husband accidentily hits the golfball to far and it smashes into a window. The couple go to the house and look around and they see a lamp on the ground broken. A man alks into the room and say "i am a genie, you have released me from me lamp and for that your get three wishes but in return you get one wish back." The husband says, "i want to be immortal"

"done" says the genie

"i want to never ever get sick" says the man

"done" says the genie

" I want to be famous"

"done, " says the genie, "now that you have said your wishes here is my request, you must let me sleep with your wife, i have been alone for nearl 300 years and i need a little sumthin"

So after an hour the wife and the genie are laying next to each other. The wife says "wow i cant beleive your were that good!"

the genie turns to the wife and says, "i cant beleive your husband still beleives in genies"

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.



More funny quotes .........

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
--------Michael L.


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
---------Wendell Johnson


It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--------Weinberg




Funny sayings, Funny Words of Wisdom


1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

11. My Reality Check bounced.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?



And still more funny quotes


Cute Funny Quotes ! - THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME MOMS!!!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

[Katz]

I have to wonder how true this is Think about it.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.
=====================
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

[katz]

Ever get a speeding ticket???
A woman is speeding down the highway, comes up to a bridge, flies over it. Well a cop was sitting under the bridge, targeting speeders, and clocks her doing 20 over.

He pulls her over, and being a smartass, says, "Well, what's your hurry?"

The woman says, "I really have to get to work."

the cop says, "oh? And what do you do for a living?"

Woman says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? What the hell is a rectum stretcher?"

Woman says. "Well, first i have to slide in 1 finger very very slowly, then another finger, till i can get my whole hand in. Then i slowly put in the other hand. When i have both of them in, I slowly start to stretch out the rectum, a little at a time, till it's about 6 feet big."

The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!?!?"

Woman says, "You give him a radar gun and park him under a bridge."

[Niemmy]

hee hee oh that made me Larf ;D ;D ;D

But there nothing more embarassing than getting pulled over by a bicycle cop with a hard on in bike shorts Frell!

[katz]

;DLast night, my blond friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?




The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt,
Grabbed the eighty bucks,
and left!!!!


Made especially for you
By an old XXX Rated Lady-
That's old, but not dead!

go old farts go!!

[Niemmy]

Oh you wicked woman ;D ;D ;D hehehe the bills would be ok, but I wouldn't touch the coins ;D ;D you don't know where there been! ;D ;D

[katz]

;D ;D ;D Better wash that atm card too.

[katz]

Chili Cook Off - ty BC & Keena
Body: Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[katz]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
>>She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
>>ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
>>Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
>>
>>She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
>>she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
>>him around the house than the drunk.
>>
>>He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
>>knew a lot about ranching.
>> For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the
>>ranch was doing very well.
>>
>>Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good
>>job, and the ranch looks great.
>>You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand
>>readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
>>
>>He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found
>>the rancher's widow sitting by
>>the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
>>
>>She quietly called him over to her.
>>
>>"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
>>as she directed.
>>
>>"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
>>
>>"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
>>neatly by her boots.
>>
>>"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
>>watching her eyes in the fire light.
>>
>>"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
>>was told and
>>dropped it to the floor.
>>
>>Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into
>>town again, you're fired!"


read

[me]

:oWhale of a time
Body: Body: A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'

They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'

At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

'Look,' she said. 'I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'


A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.

Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."

[katzzzzz]

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